


Imminent

by sailec



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M, Mass Effect 1, Minor Mentions of Violence, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 04:11:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11524299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailec/pseuds/sailec
Summary: “Okay, I might have had something to do with it.”“Youmighthave had something to do with it?” Kaidan’s voice goes high behind his breather helmet.“Let’s not start pointing fingers.”“You were the one driving the damn thing!”Shepard tilts his head, watches as Wrex scoops up another armful of snow and throws it at the front of the Mako, where it’s currently wedged between two big rocks – and the whole thing on fire.





	Imminent

**Author's Note:**

> (also posted on my tumblr [here](http://reyesvidal.tumblr.com/post/163074111034))

“Okay, I might have had something to do with it.”

“You  _might_  have had something to do with it?” Kaidan’s voice goes high behind his breather helmet.

“Let’s not start pointing fingers.”

“You were the one driving the damn thing!”

Shepard tilts his head, watches as Wrex scoops up another armful of snow and throws it at the front of the Mako, where it’s currently wedged between two big rocks – and the whole thing on fire.

“You know, that might not be the best thing to do, buddy,” Shepard calls out for him. “Just leave it alone until the Normandy can come pick us up.”

“We can’t reach them,” Kaidan reminds him as Shepard looks up at the edge of the huge… crater, or whatever hole – hard to tell with all the snow – they've landed in. “Because someone drove us outside of the operational area.  _Again_.”

“An’ if that same someone hadn’t used up our whole supply of omni-gel to crack open some shitty storage lockers we wouldn’t need to do anything at all,” Wrex says, throwing another snowball at the driver’s window.

“Again with the pointing fingers!”

“Well, this is just great,” Kaidan mutters as he starts to pace, which would probably work better if the snow wasn’t reaching his knees. It’s a very slow sort of pacing, yet surprisingly aggressive in all of its determination. “We’re going to die out here.”

“For being one of the absolute best soldiers I know, Alenko, you can be just a little bit dramatic at times.” This is far from the most dangerous situation they’ve found themselves in over the past few months since Shepard became a Spectre – and besides, Kaidan is far too lovely a creature for Shepard to let him die under his command over something as ridiculous such as freezing to death. Hardly the sort of thing you put in your report as a reason for getting through the mission before sending it off to the council, though.

“Only when the situation calls for it.” Kaidan stops to point at him. “Such as  _someone driving us off a cliff_.”

“I thought it was a safe jump." Shepard shrugs. “We’ve made it through way worse. Look, we’ll make it out of this alive, alright? I promise.”

“Bringing up how you’re doin’ this often enough you could’ve killed us a thousand times already 's probably not helping you here,” Wrex says from behind him.

“Whatever.” Shepard turns around to wave him off and pulls up his omni-tool. “I’m going to try contacting the Normandy again. And hey, it’s not like we’re on a hazardous planet, right?” he calls over his shoulder to Kaidan before focusing his attention back on getting a signal through. “Our suits will keep us adequately protected from the cold for another hour at least, gotta look on the bright si– ”

A hard smack at the back of his head has him staggering forward, Shepard managing to catch his balance at the last second. He touches where his helmet got hit, pulls his hand back to look at the snowflakes covering his glove, and turns around just in time to be hit with another snowball to his visor.

“That’s,” Kaidan says and throws another one at him with a  _fluwmp_ , “what you get,” he pulls his arm back for one more as he takes a step closer, “for ‘adequately protected’. And while I respect – ” he bends down to scoop up more snow to press between his palms, “ – you as my commanding officer – ”

“ _Hey_  – ” Shepard tries to duck the next throw, but there aren’t many places to go and he gets hit in the shoulder.

“You are a  _very_  – ” Kaidan throws another one right to his chest, hard enough for Shepard to feel the force of it, even if the only thing currently getting wounded is his pride – he should probably be thankful Kaidan’s not aiming at him with a weapon, because of course the one person who would manage to score multiple hits on him is the guy Shepard wants to hit on in completely different ways. Kaidan whacks another handful of snow at his face and finishes his sentence, “ _questionable driver_  – ”

Shepard takes a deep breath and finally manages to maneuver out of the way, taking two big steps towards him, finding his footing on where most of the snow has frozen to a hard enough layer to walk on without falling through. Kaidan catches up with what he’s doing too late, tries to sidestep but he’s just as useless at avoiding enemy advances in this terrain as Shepard is at dodging the fire in form of Kaidan’s snowballs. Shepard jumps after him and gets an arm around his waist just as Kaidan tries to move away, both of them tipping over and going down with a yelp.

Shepard scrambles up on his knees, quickly moving to straddle Kaidan where he’s sunk down on his back in the snow, pinning him down with Kaidan’s arms under his legs before Kaidan can throw him off.

“Get off – ”

“Beg for mercy and I might spare you.”

“…’Spare’ me?” Kaidan pauses and starts laughing. “You planning on neutralizing your target, Commander?”

“You’ve proven yourself dangerous enough for drastic measures to be taken," Shepard says, lips in a smile behind his helmet. "Unless you do as I say, of course.”

“You really are the galaxy’s sorest loser, you know that, right?”

“How am I the loser when you’re the one pinned down in the snow, hm? Now surrender or regret it,” he says, even as he thinks about how Kaidan could probably easily fling him off a couple of meters with his biotics if he wanted to. Which really shouldn’t be such a thrilling thought as it is.

“I swear you kill all of your enemies out of  _spite_.”

Shepard laughs but still scoops up a handful of snow, taking a few moments forming it in his hands in order to give Kaidan time to take him up on his offer, but when no surrender comes Shepard smushes it over his helmet. Kaidan starts wriggling under him again when Shepard reaches for more snow, getting one arm free to grab Shepard’s hip, trying to wrestle him off before Shepard takes hold of Kaidan’s wrist.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Wrex calls and Shepard jumps in surprise, immediately letting go of Kaidan to roll off him, fumbling in the snow to try to get to his feet, tripping once before standing up and awkwardly brushing off his legs. He looks at where Kaidan’s lying in the snow and offers a hand to help him up, clearing his throat as Kaidan gets to his feet next to him.

“We, uh – ”

“This normal mating behavior for humans?”

“What? No, I – I was just. Um. Demonstrating my superior strength,” Shepard says, wanting to melt into the snow as soon as the words are out of his mouth because that just makes it  _worse_ , and he feels his ears go red. At least they can’t see it, but he can’t help but to glance at where Kaidan’s standing, wondering if he’s blushing too under his helmet.

He’s been doing so well at not letting his emotions affect his work, every time he’s been alone with Kaidan and had the thought of,  _Maybe, if they just_  – … he’s quickly told himself to get a grip of himself because the only solution if he didn’t would be to transfer one of them, and Shepard knows damn well he wouldn’t be the one leaving the Normandy, and he can’t have Kaidan paying the price for Shepard being unable to act like an adult and a professional.

He’s supposed to be the commanding officer, not some young recruit with fluttery feelings over the good-looking lieutenant he’s serving with.

Still, in the moments in-between, when the stakes aren’t high and they aren’t focused entirely on surviving, when they’re out like today checking up on what turned out to be a false distress signal it's so easy to forget, to slip into something they aren’t – something they can’t be, something they aren't allowed to be. When it’s just the crew hanging out as the strange mix of friends they've all turned into, or when the two of them are alone in the lunch bay, chewing down protein bars, and Kaidan looks at him for a little too long when he thinks Shepard doesn’t notice, Shepard can’t help but to think... it’s not just him.

It can’t be just him.

Kaidan is one of the most well-composed soldiers he's ever worked with – dramatic tendencies aside – yet sometimes when their eyes meet Shepard swears he can feel it; how little their job would mean to either of them if one of them ever took that first step to cross the line, even if all they could have would just be one night together. The moments of ' _what if_ ' between them only ever last a split-second before they both look away and straighten their backs again, shoulders stiff and easy-going banter falling away as they settle into the responsibility of their duties instead, but it's enough to keep the longing alive in Shepard’s chest, small ball of hope that refuses to die down.

Maybe that’s all this will ever be – a never-ending fantasy about a once-in-a-lifetime connection they will never know the true potential of when both of them will always prioritize something else in the end.

“Uh-huh,” Wrex says, breaking Shepard out of his thoughts, and at the continued silence and weird energy between the three of them, he adds, “s’what I thought. Well while you two were rollin’ around I finally got a signal. Joker should be able to find us now. Might be a good time to move away a bit from that thing before it blows up.”

Shepard glances at the Mako, where the fire has  _really_  taken off.

To the point where he can’t help but to feel a bit concerned over how flammable it appears to be even when completely surrounded by snow and ice.

“...Yep. Great job. Good idea, let’s –  …” Shepard nods and points a finger in the general direction of ‘ _away from here_ ’, doing his damnedest to slip back into the role of their CO. He can do that. “Move out, soldiers."

There’s nothing he’s more intimately familiar with than knowing how to control and restrain his emotions, and he won’t be letting the ones that may or may not be there for Kaidan make things weird. Or any weirder than they are. If he just stays clear of Kaidan as much as he can when they’re not out on a mission without making  _that_  weird it should be easy enough, despite what the previous months have proved. Shepard knows well enough from experience how the only thing feelings need in order to fizzle out is time, the biting intensity of it always easier to ignore the longer you’ve spent time dealing with them. You carry them with you in silence until all you can say is, there they are; just like yesterday, and the day before that. Until you get used to them. Until even if they haven’t disappeared you've learned to ignore the thrum of hurt under your skin, constantly begging for the attention it so desperately needs in order to swallow you whole. If you move on and focus on getting shit done to fill the hole it leaves in your heart, some days you might even forget it's there at all.

Wrex starts heading towards the opposite end of where the Mako's stuck and Shepard watches him go, stands in silence with his thoughts until Kaidan comes up next to him and slaps a hand on his shoulder, making him jump, but it gets him walking, the two of them making their way through the snow side by side.

Shepard swallows and glances Kaidan's way, doesn’t think of the lovely shape of him and how the worst thing about Kaidan isn't how beautiful he is, how no matter how much he’s trying to be respectful Shepard keeps wondering just how easily Kaidan could lift him because his mind will take any excuse to drift to his muscles, it's not walking in on him sweaty and sparring with Ash and needing to turn around and walk out the door before they spot him and ask if he wants to join, it’s not even the shame of needing to make sure he never heads for the showers at the same time as someone who's part of his crew. He could deal with the attraction – it’s a big galaxy after all, and Shepard has spent the majority of his adult life around muscular men crammed together on different ships for months on end. He’s old enough to know when he needs to take time for a night out and head for a bar at the next shore leave, but Kaidan is so much more than a beautiful body he longs to touch. 

The thing he doesn't know how to deal with is all the ways he knows how to make Kaidan laugh so hard he clutches his stomach, hand over his mouth like maybe it startles him too to lose himself like that, and how Kaidan listens, how Shepard can  _talk_  to him, in a way he’s never been able to with – anyone, really, not since he was a teenager back on Mindoir at least, living a life so much easier with his parents. It’s the way Kaidan tells him things, voice quiet and cautious and Shepard sees it in the hesitation in his eyes he wouldn’t have shared what he said with just anyone. It’s how Shepard, reserved and quiet and sometimes called cold when it comes to talking about himself, feels like he could tell Kaidan anything and somehow it would be okay; all the ugly parts of him could come to light and maybe his past wouldn’t tear through his skin and eat him alive because of it after all, not with Kaidan standing guard.

While others bring up his past every chance they get ( _Akuze, Akuze, Akuze, a damned hero, Commander Shepard, how the hell did you_ do _that, I saw the momentum, wish I could be just like you one day,_  the never-ending praise for the ultimate failure of his life and proper Alliance boy he is Shepard has learned to shake their hands and nod like it’s an absolute honor to be thought of as having done a  _good_  thing, running for his life when everyone around him was being eaten alive), Kaidan’s never once asked about it, never mentioned it, even if Shepard knows that he knows, because... because, well. Everyone knows, and no one hesitates to let him know that they do.

The thing Shepard doesn't know how to deal with is how being around Kaidan makes it ache not to kiss him not because of the want low in his stomach, but because Shepard just wants him  _close_.

“See.” Kaidan says and Shepard startles. He looks over, Kaidan's dark suit against the bright white light of the snow and eyes twinkling behind the small gap on his helmet all he can see of him. “What did I tell you? Sorest loser in the galaxy. Look how you’re moping.”

“I’m not –  _moping_ ,” Shepard says, exasperated, because it might not be the first time he's been called that and it probably won't be the last, but if you know you can win over someone, aren’t  _they_  the sore loser if they can't handle that fact? “And if you want to consider it a contest I was the one who – ”

Kaidan turns around and before Shepard can catch up with what he's doing he's put his hands on his shoulders and shoves him,  _hard_ , Shepard stumbling backwards, two tripping steps before gravity wins and he ends up on his ass on the ground, sputtering and fumbling to get up before giving up, sinking back into the snow with a defeated huff.

Kaidan cackles as he walks away, Shepard listening to his bright happy laughter, and feels that small warm glow in his chest again like a tiny light refusing to be dimmed, and thinks, Shit.

Ignoring his feelings is so much easier when it's things he doesn't want to feel, standing in the aftermath of tragedy he doesn’t  _want_  to linger in the memory of screams and gunshots, blood from people he grew up with painting the ground red, he doesn't want to remember how a few scattered body parts of people he used to call friends were all that was left of a camp fitting over fifty people in it. But being with Kaidan feels so fucking  _good_ , it’s not supposed to be something  _bad_ , it's the strangest enemy of all to have to fight _happiness_.

He sits still in the snow, spending a moment wallowing in the tragedy that is having a body containing emotions, before finally getting up on his feet.

Kaidan and Wrex turn to Shepard from where they're waiting just ahead of him as the Normandy approaches from the sky in the distance, and Shepard thinks, maybe, just maybe, stoic and serious as people seem to view him, maybe he has finally found a part of himself in the mushy center of his chest where he's human and fragile enough for something to crack open his defenses, and Kaidan Alenko, warm eyes and soft heart of his, will be the one thing thrown his way in life Shepard won’t know how to fight his way out of and still come out on the other side of alive.

He heaves a sigh, heavy behind the helmet, and with boots plowing through the snow, lets himself walk towards it.


End file.
